I thought about following up on Jen's Valentine's Day in NYC post and doing a counterpart for romantic spots in Baltimore, but let's be honest, that just wouldn't be genuine.
Like most things it touches, Valentine's Day turns even the best restaurants to shit. The one year I went out to dinner for V-Day, I was horrified. The menu was limited, the prices were ratcheted way up, and we were among a sea of cookie-cutter couples, each with a half dressed in red.
Naturally, I didn't get the memo and was wearing all black.
So this Valentine's Day, I thought it would be nice to give you a list of romantic destinations that are appropriately suited for what is arguably the most god-awful holiday of the year.
DISNEY WORLD
Nothing like a perfectly calculated sunset.
Man-made, yet beautiful vistas. Sickeningly adorable matching Mickey and Minnie Mouse ears. Top-notch restaurants and luxe hotels. What could be better for a romantic getaway? Call me crazy, but I'd say one without lines of people reeking with body odor. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times -- nothing makes it more believable that humans descended from apes than theme parks. And nothing results in a quicker family meltdown than Disney World. You know I love Disney World, but for romantic destinations? Hard pass.
THE OUTDOORS...ANYWHERE
Looks...smelly.
This Valentine's Day I find myself part of a couple. Half of this couple loves camping. Guess which half I am? Nature is nice and all, but plumbing and electricity are nicer if you ask me. Most days I shower twice. Try as I might, I can't even bring myself to pee in the ocean, so how can I be expected to pee, like, on the ground? I can't fathom camping as romantic; I can only see it as the catalyst for a breakup. No thanks.
MAR-A-LAGO
Look at Melania! Brimming with joy! YUGE JOY!
I hear Mar-a-Lago is tremendous. Dripping in gold, the best opulence. So much money, very rich, the President still makes a fortune on it, his new "winter White House." Go right ahead. Show your sweetheart how much you love him or her by dropping some major coinage and spending V-Day at the compound of a man whose wife likes him so much, she's more than happy to live in a completely different state. #relationshipgoals
INDIA
It's my favorite idiot in India!
Truth be told, I'd love to go to India. I know it would be totally different than anywhere I've ever been before. But it also has like...a fuck ton of people crammed into it, and I don't really like people. It might be lovely to watch the sunset over the Taj Mahal, but by all accounts, you and your loved one will be racing for the toilet not too long after dinner. Welp, I suppose that's one kind of intimacy.
Now that I've appropriately celebrated the holiday by raining on your parade, where will you be spending Valentine's Day? No plans? Cool, look for me tomorrow in line at Target, stocking up on half-priced chocolate.
-Staci