Now that Jen has arrived safely in Mexico (and we've received proof of life via her FOMO-inducing Instagram account), we can now discuss a topic of which she made me aware Friday, and we can do so without alarming her lovely mom Leslie.
You see, it's come to my attention that planner extraordinaire Jen somehow booked the most dubious of transfers for her and Mike from the airport to her resort. The transfer service, aptly named "USA Transfers" sent her the following, um, entertaining promotional video. First, I'll ask you to watch and draw your own conclusions before I get into mine.
OK, now that that's out of the way, I have many questions about this video including but not limited to:
- What the actual fuck?
- I draw faces on my fingers sometimes too. How can I turn this into an advertising campaign?
- Those finger people aren't thumbs, so the thumb joke doesn't really work.
- Did the same guy who narrated "Dear Kitten" narrate this as well?
- Did Donald Trump fund this ad campaign?
- Does Donald Trump own USA Transfers?
- Did anyone at USA Transfers notice that this promotional video for their services in Mexico is blatantly racist toward people in Mexico?
- Did the people "modeling" as shady Mexican cabbies sign off on use of their likeness?
- Why didn't they just use a "Wanted" poster of El Chapo?
- What is happening?
- I just...what the fuck?
Further, this video came in a couple of e-mails filled with warnings in an alarming comic sans fashion. I have annotated them for you (my comments in non-comic sans italics).
WARNING. WARNING. I am afraid someone has made the web-site TRANSFERS-USA.
But who are you? And where is the rest of that "web-site" address you speak of?
THEY ARE NOT US. We are the one and only USA TRANSFERS. We are trying to solve this issue legally however, for now please be aware.
Did you first try to solve it illegally tho? Was there ever really a drug cartel problem, or was it USA TRANSFERS this whole time fighting for their domain?
They even have people at the airport trying to trick you. Our staff are in white uniforms and will have your name on the list (unless you booked within the last several hours of your arrival).
In which case who has the time in several WHOLE HOURS to add something to a list?
TO FIND US AT AIRPORT: We have greeters (guys that hold the sign with USA TRANSFERS on it) & drivers (the guys that take you to your hotel). Our greeters will be holding a sign with USA TRANSFERS logo and will be in USA TRANSFERS uniform & hat. Once they find you they call the driver into the loading area.
Just some guys, nbd.
DO NOT be fooled by others at the airport.
DO NOT even think about it.
Others may say they are with us or tell you they do not know us to steal your business. Our greeters are there all day. If others (called pirates) find you first they may tell you things so you go with them instead. You can ask security for help finding us, but beware of the pirates as they may tell you we are not there.
"PĪ-rit: A person who attacks and robs ships at sea." So...basically not the guys you're talking about.
We are ALWAYS THERE.
...so are the pirates.
THE MEXICAN CARIBBEAN IS WAITING FOR YOU!! FIND US AT THE AIRPORT
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? Is it because you accidentally used up all your punctuation on the first sentence?
Please make sure to find the USA TRANSFERS staff wearing the proper uniform and holding a sign with the USA Transfers logo. We DO NOT display names of our valuable customers for safety reasons.
This is frankly terrifying.
God speed, Jen and Mike. God speed.