Are you going anywhere for spring break? I'm not. Do we even get to call it spring break anymore now that we're grown-ass "adults?" I would have had a trip to Florida if I had stayed at my old job, but I quit. Is it even spring? It sleeted and snowed Saturday. Honestly, fuck that noise.
(Disclaimer: I'm typing this while doped up on NyQuil, hence the stream of consciousness.)
Friend of the Blog Carly had a great idea for a post* and I'm making it into a little series. It's called "Hotter or Notter" -- where can you travel where you will be on the hotter end of the spectrum? What destinations promise the opposite?
Today's "Hotter or Notter" is dedicated to spring break destinations.
OCEAN CITY, MARYLAND
Ocean City (a.k.a. the unfortunate thigh tattoo capital of the world) is...special. It's a true Monet -- as you can see, it looks picturesque from afar, but get up close and it's one hot mess. The hotels are relics of the 70s, the denizens of the boardwalk are a solid preview to the End of Times, and Baltimore accents abound. It's basically Cape May for those from Dundalk or Essex. Woof.
The verdict? Refrain from buying a "DTF" muscle tee on the boardwalk, and you're all but assured of being hotter.
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL
If OCMD has the market cornered on terrible tattoos, then the beaches of Rio have the market cornered on great asses. I can promise you, no matter how much I work out, my ass in a thong will never see the light of the Brazilian sun because I know my limits.
The verdict? This is the land that brought us Gisele. Us pasty Americans are definitely notter.
Look, I love Disney World, and I'm not ashamed to say it. But like every amusement park, it's a cesspool of fanny packs, body odor, and obesity. Spend merely an hour in line with the other tourists, and it's not such a stretch to believe humans descended from apes.
The verdict? A little antiperspirant is all it'll take to EASILY be hotter.
SOUTH OF FRANCE
Well I mean yeah, this is basically me dreaming. As if I'd ever be lucky enough to take a spring trip to the beaches of the South of France. Look at that photo! The men look like Clooney and even their umbrellas are très chic.
The verdict? A place where Parisians vacation? Um yeah, no chance of being hotter. Definitely notter.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
I have to say, as lovely as New York is around the holidays, nothing tops it in the spring. Like me, the city comes alive after hibernating after some serious polar vortex shit, and it is a beautiful thing (I wonder if NYC also has seasonal depression). Few places can top it. That said, NYC is a true melting pot -- you'll see stunning hipsters like Jen and beautiful models in town for Fashion Week. But you'll also see the crazies who will harass you on the subway and probably the same tourists who were waiting in line with you in Disney World.
The verdict? It's a draw.
*If you too have ideas, feel free to send them our way. Originality doesn't always come easy, even for us. ::brushes shoulder off::
Note from Jen: Shallow? Maybe. But we here at HTJL believe in civic duty, and according to the US Government, knowing your number could save your life. #HotOrNotGovEdition