Remember that time last July when I had a particularly bad weekend and decided to rant about a bunch of places I don't want to visit? Yup. It's happening again.
This time prompted by the giant snowflakes falling merrily outside my window as they mock me and my previous delusions that the great foodie-binging blizzard of '16 would be all the winter I'd have to put up with this year. I need to remind myself that there are worse places to be than gray-ass Baltimore in the middle of winter. And also Carly so generously reminded me that there are some truly awful places that didn't make the cut last time. Starting with...
In particular any parts not named Disney World or Miami. I guess there are also a few over-55 retirement communities where I wouldn't mind hanging out. But the rest of it? It's a swampy, humid wasteland, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!
Parents of these girls, guess what Donald Trump is doing? I guarantee you he is calling your daughters ugly because that's how he rolls. And Florida, how stupid are you? Ever hear anyone talk about "the Man?" As in "Fuck the Man," "the Man is keeping me down," etc. Who do you think the Man is? It's Donald Fucking Trump! Look. I'm registered as an independent because I can't call myself a Republican or a Democrat; I can only call myself fucking disgusted. But I can't with these Republicans in Florida. WHO DO YOU THINK IS KEEPING YOU DOWN? THE MAN! DONALD TRUMP! HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU! HE LOOKS DOWN ON YOU AND YOUR FARMS AND YOUR FACE PIERCINGS! HE'S USING YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU'RE STUPID AND WILL VOTE FOR HIM BECAUSE YOU'RE RIGHT-WINGING, BITTER-CLINGING, PROUD CLINGERS OF YOUR GUNS, YOUR GOD, AND YOUR RELIGION, AND YOUR CONSTITUTION.
And another thing about Florida? Seems like a great place to murder someone and get away with it, amirite? See George Zimmerman, see Casey Anthony, see Robert Durst. Should I keep going? Nope, I'll just redirect you here, because this is a place where people throw ALLIGATORS THROUGH DRIVE-THRU WINDOWS APPARENTLY.
LAGUARDIA AIRPORT, NYC
Despite four years living in New York and numerous ties to the city, I've been blessed to have never been to LaGuardia and I wish to never go there. My wish may very well come true considering they are planning on tearing it down and building a new one. I've heard from many a friend that it's a total hole, and people will go out of their way to avoid it. Joe Biden compared it to a third-world country, and it's regularly ranked as the worst U.S. airport. I think I safely speak for everyone when I say "Bye Felicia."
Wisconsin in general, I'm kinda just like "nope." If I want some really good cheese, I'll go to France. I didn't know Manitowoc existed until I started watching "Making a Murderer."
In general, the midwest is not a place for me. I hate that fucking accent with a passion, and people there are like...really nice. To the point where I get creeped out/suspicious. Probably because I prefer places like NYC where you only make eye contact with a stranger if you're crazy. But Manitowoc is some next-level shit. First of all, I can't even pronounce it properly. Second of all, I love how the Averys are like the white trash royalty of this place. Except that everyone hates them. Enough to frame this borderline retarded man for murder just because they were mad that he got out of an 18-year incarceration for a crime he didn't commit. (FYI, I'm only two episodes in.) But Manitowoc looks HORRIBLE. It looks like one big impound lot and I'm sorry I even know it exists.
FEDERAL HILL, BALTIMORE
God I hate this fucking place. It's probably one of the nicest neighborhoods in Baltimore. Tons of bars, restaurants, and shops, but I hate it so hard and visit as rarely as possible. For starters, parking is impossible. I am a master parallel parker, so that's not really the issue, but they have this zone parking and it's insane. It's hard to find a spot, but when you do, you'll have to read the sign. And the sign may as well be like three paragraphs long and impossible to comprehend. It'll be like "Hey, you can park here without proof that you live in this zone as long as it's a Tuesday or a Thursday between 3 a.m. and 4 p.m., a Wednesday between 7 a.m. and 3 p.m., and you can't park here on weekends, but you can on holidays, but not all government holidays, and by the way, snow route something something something." So by the time you're done reading it, you're like...err, I guess I'll risk it? And then other areas are so poorly signed that you park in a FUCKING BUS LANE and get a massive parking ticket...not that I know this from experience...
So I got lured into meeting some friends at a new bar in Federal Hill last week for happy hour. They texted and told me it was full of "my people," unclear if they meant Jews or hipsters. After searching for free-ish parking for 25 minutes, I gave up and paid to park in a garage like five blocks away. Call me a hipster, but as soon as I walked into this bar, I knew I did not belong. Some dude at the door gave me that drunk guy stare that says "I think you're cute" but registers as "I want to roast you over a spitfire and devour you whole." And the place was so crowded with bros a-plenty that I had to actually touch people in order to make my way over to my friends. No hipsters nor Jews in sight. I glared at them for bringing me here and was only moderately pacified when someone got me a grapefruit beer.
I entertained myself by watching a group of girls take selfies. They were making the most god-awful pouty duckfaces in order to get the most flattering shot, and I know like Jen and I are guilty of the elevator selfie, but I think it's pretty clear when you see my face in most of them that I've given up trying to look "cute" or "sexy." Plus, these girls didn't even seem to be having fun. It reminded me of this time this past summer when I was out with friends in Dewey Beach watching the most MISERABLE-looking bachelorette party. At one point, they all got up on a bench and started dancing while someone took a photo of them but then immediately stopped afterward. I'm sure on Fakebook it looked like they were having OMG THE BEST TIME EVER WITH THEIR BFF'S AND #LYLAS AND #LOVEISINTHEAIR AND #SINGLENOMORE and what-the-fuck-ever, but they weren't, OK? And these Fed Hill selfie girls encapsulated Fed Hill for me.
Ha. OK, so living in Baltimore, D.C. is an unfortunate part of my existence. A few friends live that way, I had field trips there growing up, I even did an art program there one summer during high school. But just like the government that calls it "home," D.C. is fucking useless.
D.C. is where all the bros go once they've outgrown Federal Hill. It has a slow and shitty metro system, so most people have cars there, but it's even more impossible to find parking there than it is in Federal Hill, and the traffic surrounding it is terrible at ALL TIMES OF THE DAY, even like 3 p.m. on a Sunday. And by the way, when I was there for the Navy-Air Force Half Marathon last September, I earned myself a $200 speeding ticket via a CAMERA for going ELEVEN MILES OVER! And I've never gotten a speeding ticket in my life (which is frankly a miracle). Naturally, I contested it, and they were like "OK, we'll get back to you sometime in the next six months," which is like...so D.C. Slow and ineffectual (not that I'm complaining, because TWO-FUCKING-HUNDRED?!?).
Washington D.C. has all the things that I dislike about NYC and nothing to redeem it. Hot trash smells in the summer, impossibly high rent, and a high concentration of douche bags. And unlike New York, it has no character and no real beauty. Unlike the beautiful government buildings in the capitols of Europe, it's full of hideous places that are, well, completely appropriate for our government. D.C. is just one big crumbling, concrete shitshow and its community is largely dedicated to GETTING NOTHING DONE.
WELP, did I miss anywhere?