Don't get me wrong. I don't hate Halloween. In fact, I really love Halloween. I love autumn and pumpkins and scary movies and haunted hayrides. And I love birthdays, and it's Jen's birthday! I just don't really like getting up off my ass to do anything for Halloween. If it's on a week night, I'm not going out to the bars and coming to work hungover the next day. And if it's on a weekend, I'm probably not going to the bars for amateur hour either.
I always loved dressing up and trick-or-treating as a kid. But these days? I'm far too lazy and cheap. I save my money for travel, not polyester costumes, and I expend all my DIY creativity doing things like this little blog, not making some clever costume. And I'm sure as shit not going to dress up as a slutty fill-in-the-blank.
In fact, I really fucking hate how all female costumes are a "sexy" something-or-other. Even though I'm too lazy to get dressed up myself, I really appreciate when people put some thought into their costumes and come up with something legitimately clever and creative. So since this is a travel blog, and since I value both creativity and supreme laziness, I gave you my top five travel-themed Halloween costumes.
AN ASIAN TOURIST
OK, so maybe this isn't the most politically correct costume out there, but I mean... it's pretty genius, hey? You've seen them on your travels, following the tour guide with the flag en masse. You're fucked if you get behind one of these groups too. You'll never break away. My friend Beatrice (far left) did this one several years ago, and I am still marveling at its brilliance.
How-To: Track suit, socks with sandals, fanny pack, giant camera. These photos, courtesy of Bea, were taken several years ago, so now you can replace Bea's camcorder with a giant fucking iPad that blocks everyone's view of whatever attraction you're trying to take photos of.
Bonus Points: Peace sign fingers in EVERY photo, disposable paper face mask for extra authenticity.
A PILOT AND/OR FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Generally, couples costumes annoy the shit out of me. Sorry. But Valentine's Day ALSO annoys the shit out of me. That said, some costumes are clever and meant to be couples costumes or group costumes (like the time my friends Subway, Stephanie, and Sabrina dressed up as a Chilean miner and his wife and mistress). Jen's friend Amanda and her husband Tom did a retro, Pan Am-style pilot and flight attendant, and Amanda and Tom, I applaud you.
How-To: Probably you can find flight attendant and pilot costumes anywhere, and I'd like to point out to you all that Amanda wins for dressing up as a flight attendant and NOT a slutty flight attendant and still looking hella cute.
Runners Up: If you're a girl and you're feeling a little more feminist, Amelia Earhart is an easy one -- scarf around your head, goggles or aviators, and a leather bomber jacket. Done and done.
A BUSINESS TRAVELER
Here's where you'll see my tastes have gotten hella lazy. Basically, all you have to wear to pull this one off is a suit. Maybe throw on some specs, and if you're feeling especially thorough, carry a laptop bag.
How-To: A suit. The end.
Bonus Points: If you look like Don Draper.
A BRITISH PERSON
You know how the quickest way to become a vampire for Halloween is to grab some of those fake teeth with fangs? This is my travel version of it, and yes, it's a burn to the Brits #sorrynotsorrymates. Get your shitty teeth here, and call it a day.
What? You think this is in poor taste? Well...I considered listing a hazmat suit and making an ebola joke, but look! You can be a SEXY EBOLA CONTAINMENT OFFICER. So I think making a British-people-have-bad-teeth joke is pretty tame in comparison.
How-To: Bad teeth and something loud and obnoxious with a Union Jack on it.
Bonus Points: If you talk to strangers and fake a British accent.
A CAT (OR STACI DRESSED UP AS A CAT)
At first I was going to write about how being a cat is the best Halloween costume ever because you can go to Party City and buy a $4 pair of cat ears and be done with it (no eyeliner whiskers on the face, NOTHING). But then when I took a trip into the annals of my Facebook photos, I found some real gems from the time I spent Halloween weekend in New York post-college.
Sure, being a cat is not travel-themed, but it is if you are going as STACI ON A WEEKEND TRIP DRESSED UP AS A CAT. Boom.
And now, I'll tell the tale of my weekend in New York as a half-assed cat.
A couple times my friend and I visited the Sunburnt Calf on the Upper West Side for brunch. Just so you can get an idea, it's basically a bar with a room in the back, and on the weekends, they serve shitty brunch. The draws are three-fold.
1. The shitty brunch is relatively cheap.
2. The shitty brunch is drunk brunch -- all-you-can-drink mimosas and bloody Marys. And it's not like you have to keep asking for another one; no, the servers come around with pitchers, just pleasantly and wordlessly refilling your glass so you have no idea how many you've actually consumed.
3. Said servers are all hot Australians.
[Sidebar: The Sunburnt Calf has since closed (RIP). Think of all the poor, hot, unemployed Australian wannabe models. Green card wedding, anyone?]
The first time I want to the Sunburnt Calf, I promptly got wasted and passed out in Central Park, only to wake up a couple hours later with a sunburn on half of my face. The second time was this Halloween weekend. A pictorial timeline to summarize the morning:
Anyway, I had committed to visiting two Halloween parties that night -- one at a friend's in Brooklyn, and one was Jen's birthday shindig downtown in some ancient bath house and/or brothel, I can't remember which, that had been turned into a bar or a club; it was very hip. Also, Jen's friends are all art school kids, so like Jen, they all have some pretty bomb-ass Halloween costumes every year. This is why I spent five minutes and $4 bothering to buy cat ears just so I could be "dressed up" too.
But were cat ears enough for my friends? No. Sabrina and Stephanie (mistress and wife of Chilean miner, as mentioned above) drunkenly dragged me and my friend Cammy to the nearest Ricky's after brunch. If you're not familiar with Ricky's, it's a store that appears on every other block in NYC and has drugstore beauty products, high-end beauty products, and an inexplicable sex toy section in every location. Additionally, Ricky's goes all out for Halloween. It's their jam. During college, I passed by many a Ricky's display featuring mannequins in sexy Rainbow Brite costumes, ruining my childhood forever.
So the four of us stumble into a massive, two-story Ricky's (after waiting in a friggin' line) to get Cammy some cat ears and something more for my "costume." Hilarity ensued, and someone bought me a tail.
The rest of the afternoon was a blur. There was Tasti D, there was drunk texting with an editor who I was newly freelancing for, and there was a two-hour nap in Sabrina's heavenly cloud of a bed. Only to wake up hungover by 5 p.m. Like the champ that I was in my younger days, we dragged our asses to Brooklyn for Party No. 1. Cammy didn't last; she vomited all over a new pair of boots on her way home from BK and vowed never to return to the Sunburnt Calf.
Me? I kept that tail on all night even though it may or may not have gotten dunked in a toilet. Well...all night until some frat boy pulled it off of me at the subway stop in Brooklyn. I made my appearance at Jen's party sometime around 3:30 a.m. The next day I vowed never to return to the Sunburnt Calf.
How-To: Cat ears. Tail is optional, mimosas are not.
Runner-Up: Bunny ears, but cats are way cooler. Or, if you want to be extra lazy, dress up as a basic bitch. Leggings, Uggs, and a pumpkin spice latte. Lazy AND comfy.