Guys. We have an announcement to make. A very important announcement.
As you know, Jen is a graphic designer, and I am a book editor. We are obviously both travel bloggers. But we’re adding something new to our resumes. Yes, the rumors are true…
We’re becoming restauranteurs! Move the fuck over, Danny Meyer.
We’ve been inspired by the delicately foraged, noma-esque foods we ate all over Copenhagen. In fact, the idea for our restaurant was born over dinner at noma sister restaurant, 108, over a dish of truffle-dusted fried mushrooms and tartar tacos housed in leaves. Leaves are the new tortillas and foraging is the new grocery trip.
As you might also know, I spent my college years in NYC, and Jen has spent her post-college years there as well. To celebrate our special ties to the city, we are bringing you the restaurant, nay, the sanctuary New Yorkers didn’t know they were waiting for.
Born of a desire to bring you only the most authentic New York City experience, we present to you:
Once upon a time, no one thought a chef could find delicious, natural ingredients in the chilly gray climate Denmark experiences most of the year, but René Redzepi proved otherwise. And I’m sure everyone thinks they need to leave Manhattan to experience the homegrown goods New York has to offer. But they are wrong. Lest you think you need to trek all the way to Blue Hill at Stone Barns to experience true New York sustainable cuisine, think again. Jen and I are ready to bring you the flavors of New York like you’ve never experienced them before. Dan Barber, you can move the fuck over too.
Walk into the entryway at Hot Garbage, and you won’t feel like you’re leaving the city — why would you want that? No, you’ll find yourself in the heart of it; the interior references none other than the soothing atmosphere — and stench! — of the 34th Street Herald Square subway stop.
Familiar even in the dead of winter, the aroma will simply hit you in the face as you walk in. It’s the smell of — you guessed it! — hot garbage.
As the Gen Z hostess (who would clearly rather be method acting with her fellow NYU Tisch students) disdainfully leads you to your table, you are charmed as you ask a sleeping homeless person to move over so you can settling into the grimey authentic Central Park bench.
Could this homeless person be the very source of the fertilizer with which we sustainably grew your food? Why yes! Entirely possible! As environmentally friendly as they come, we use fertilizer we find right in our neighborhood, whether from your friendly corner hobo or a Times Square horse.
The menu changes every day, of course. How else could we possibly give you the purest taste of whatever the hell NYC has to offer each and every day? But a sample tasting menu might go like this…
How would you start your day in the Big Apple? I’m sure you could guess, these two Jewish girls love a bagel! Of course you would start your feast with a whimsically deconstructed New York City bagel. The sesame seed crisp was baked underground in the subway around evening rush hour on an August day, and your salmon has been delicately smoked by the city’s unique polluted air.
What was it my professor once said the first muggy day of spring semester? Ah yes:
“This is what I call a shitbag day in New York City.”
It’s these, the shitbag days in New York City, that are the days of making our signature bagels and lox.
A selection of pickled vegetables follows, but we couldn’t limit our brines to the flavors of the Lower East Side. Rather, we offer you a flight of veggies pickled in acid rain collected from all over the city!
Do you prefer ferments? Who ISN’T deeply interested in their microbiomes these days, amirite? Introduce some new bacteria to your gut with our special kimchi or sauerkraut. You might notice they’re unlike any kimchi or sauerkraut you’ve had before. A flavor you just can’t put your finger on. That’s because they’re fermented with the bacteria-laden sludge we collected from every sidewalk corner after last year’s blizzard, creating icy pits of indeterminate depth and horror for city pedestrians.
Only the best microbes for our guests!
Taste the funk, the earthiness, of our main dishes foraged straight from the streets. How about a sock straight from Fifth Avenue, smothered in our proprietary Hudson River algae bloom sauce? Perhaps a fresh slice of that old mattress we grabbed on the corner of Avenue A and East 6th (what a treasure!) dusted with shavings of litter handpicked from the Times Square subway station?
Yes, the food is the star at Hot Garbage, but when it comes to atmosphere, detail is key. You’ll never be far from a muttering stranger or someone casually clipping her nails. If your timing is right, you might even catch some of our in-between course live entertainment! Just listen for the shouts of “IT’S SHOWTIME!”
Who WOULDN’T want to tell his friends the next day that he took an authentic kick to the face by a very unlicensed subway breakdancer?
Cap off your night with a cocktail. No vodka sodas here, but in the summer, you might want to try a seasonal offering featuring overhead air conditioner drippings! This won’t be an evening you’ll soon forget.