I'll admit it. Goop is one of my guilty pleasures.
Not because I actually look forward to anything Gwyneth Paltrow or her lackeys have to say. Not because I take them seriously. But because gawking at the sheer absurdity of everything on that website and in those newsletters gives me the same satisfaction of shows you hate-watch on TV. You know what I'm talking about -- the ones that have all the characters you hate and love to scream at for doing stupid shit.
A few years ago I remember telling Carly that I didn't understand how Gwyneth and Chris Martin were still married. I love and always have loved Coldplay, and he seems cool in a dumb, dorky way, so I didn't understand how he could put up with this pretentious weirdo. I had just gotten an issue of Goop that recommended you fly with a little bottle of LIQUID FUCKING SILVER to spray on the airplane that would keep you refreshed. Not long after, they "consciously uncoupled" and I felt validated. Carly, who has her master's in public health, has since come to call Gwyneth a "public health menace."
Guys she is just so absurd. She calls walking barefoot "earthing" and says it can cure insomnia. Or something like that. Fact: All walking barefoot around Baltimore will do is earn you a raging case of hepatitis. Gwyneth, STFU.
And now it seems a watchdog group is saying the same thing -- the outrageous medical claims of some of the insane products she sells are dubious at best, dangerous at worst.
But from a Hashtag Jetlag standpoint, her travel "essentials" are just of the utmost comedic quality. A few of my favorites:
Groovyyurts Super Ger Yurt $8,300
I hate the idea of camping. I never want to do it. But shit, if I'm sleeping in a fucking YURT that costs about half a year's rent, then WHY THE FUCK NOT? It seems like spending a night in a Holiday Inn would be roughing it way more than this thing that frankly kind of looks like a fancy inflatable kiddie pool.
The Joséphier, Starting at $570
What is the Joséphier, you ask? It's a fancy fucking set of toilet paper, the likes of which can only be used for Gwyneth's magical asshole that I am sure shits diamonds. Take some on the road, and never risk having to wipe with single-play paper again.
Jade Vag Egg, $66
I think everyone is pretty well acquainted with this product by now. Yes, Gwyneth recommends stuffing a jade egg up your vagina for sexual energy. Or something. Of alarm is this little note: Eggs are pre drilled for string add-on; we recommend using unwaxed dental floss. Wait what? Does this mean there's a chance it might get stuck? For 66 bucks it better not.
Ah yes, Gwyneth's favorite travel blanket comes from none other than James Perse, designer of the $100 tee. I mean OF COURSE IT IS JUST SHY OF $1K. Look, I don't like the scratchy blankets they give you on red eye flights either, but I definitely don't spend that much money for a blanket to use at home, much less to use on a germ-filled airplane, the likes of which are rarely cleaned.
HERE'S A LIST OF THINGS I DON'T NEED IN MY LIFE: A baby alpaca $220 neck pillow...THAT COMES IN WHITE. Why in the world would you ever travel with something that snowy white?! As discussed, these airplanes are not clean, and I'm sure Gwyneth never drops or spills food on herself, especially when flying first class, but in the cramped quarters of steerage, I never make it through a flight without a stain. Which is why my neck pillow comes in equally soft, but dark, microfiber and was purchased at TJ Fucking Maxx.
Goop notes that this $110 towel is family-friendly and comes with a leather carrier. The carrier may cost $110, but I just cannot see why you'd spend that kind of money on a beach towel. And I will tell you what, I may be child-free, but even I fucking know you don't want to be spending $110 on something if you need it to be family-friendly. Sorry, Apple and Moses.
Well it's no liquid silver, but this "Altitude Oil" still proves that Gwyneth is the fucking worst. And I quote:
Breathe in for a few deep breaths of it over the course of a flight clears your head, boosts immunity, and energizes both mind and body. But carry this exquisite mix of luxurious plant oils everywhere in your bag—for a lift in spirit, energy after long hours at your desk, on a train or bus, and to clear congestion from colds or allergies. A unique multi-tasking, do-it-all essential that’s life-changing.
I MEAN HONESTLY, WHO NEEDS DOCTORS AND MEDICINE WHEN YOU HAVE THIS EXQUISITE LIFE-CHANGING OIL?!
This adorable vial of essential oils will make you smile every time you open your makeup bag, swipe a little on your palms, and inhale—it truly does make anyone a little less irritated. It also doubles as a subtle scent, not to mention an in-a-pinch face oil. Tiny and truly all-purpose-amazing.
Obviously I need this shit STAT, but I'm out of luck because it costs $65 for what amounts to FIVE DROPS.
Try clean, refreshing Cocofloss once, truly, and you’ll be forever ruined for regular floss. Never mind its non-toxicity and social impact, it’s simply better than anything we’ve tried–ever. Created by two Bay Area sisters, one a dentist, the other an artist, Cocofloss is thick, yet glides smoothly between your teeth, is strong but flexible, and just feels—fantastic, transforming a chore into a pleasure. The floss has the faintest hint of the coconut oil its infused with, and the mint scent is especially fresh and invigorating.
Flossing and "social impact" are good and all but you can also get yards and yards of floss from Target for under $2 and despite what Gwyneth would have you believe, I'm pretty sure you won't end up dead from "toxins." I guess toxicity is a concern though if it's going up your vag with a jade egg.